A bias for action?

I just got home yesterday from 4 days with our oldest daughter, Ella, at church camp.  WOW.  How amazing it was to see God working in the lives of fifty 7&8 year old children!  I can't tell you how many times I was moved to tears at their pure faith, their complete-- almost naive-- trust in God.  My prayer was that I would have such unabashed, "undignified" as they sang each day, faith in Jesus.  To be so bold and confident in my own relationship with Jesus and in His love for me that I'm not afraid to do crazy things for Him.

All the while, I was chewing on something I'd heard last Saturday night from Bob Russell at Southeast Christian... we'd attended the 50th Anniversary service and he preached a simple message about Southeast's history.  One statement he made stuck with me: "Faith means having a bias for action."

Faith means having a bias for action.  Kind of felt like confirmation that this journey we're on is the right one, that it's from God.

So we press on toward our goal of bringing our children home. 

But even as I write that sentence, it all seems quite unreal to me. If the truth be known, I really feel like I'm in some kind of trance, watching my life happen as though someone else is living it.  It's both unnerving and peaceful at the same time.

I mean, the paperwork and the chaos of giving all of our family history and information and compiling our dossier and the fundraising-- that's all busywork, and while it's been exhausting, that's really been pretty easy for me.  Really.  I can do things like that because I'm pretty good at organizing and gathering and compiling, and even fundraising... or at least organizing events.  God has certainly provided the increase for every event we've had.  Getting everything ready for Him in advance was the fun part for me!

What I mean is everything thus far has been work that I have control over, and it's not really been about our children at the end of this journey.  Obviously, everything we've done has been a means to get us to the end-- to get our children home.  But thus far, it's been about busywork-- those things that I'm so good at that require so little of my heart and oh so much more of my mind.

Now that we're waiting... now that there's nothing much for us to do (except sell sheets! Sheet info)... now this is a place I'm not super comfortable being, and it may be the reason for the trance-like state I feel like I'm in most days.  Again, this is both unnerving and peaceful... it's almost eery, because I don't recall ever experiencing anything like it in my life.

And this is where I'm realizing a few things:

I do not like not knowing what's coming down the pike... I'm a much bigger fan of knowing what's going to happen and when.  (Kind of like the 7&8 year old campers, who always needed to know what was next before they could relax and enjoy the current activity!) Yet at the same time, not having control has been a relieving kind of feeling-- knowing that I have no control in the final picture of our family forces me to trust that God will do what He says He will do in Jeremiah 29:11.  

I've learned that I'm willing to do crazy things for my Lord when it's within my comfort zone-- like compiling and organizing and doing busywork... but when I have to be still and wait (Psalm 46:10) and trust in God's timing, it's not such an easy thing for me.  This is where God is refining my character.  Obviously, God gives each of us gifts and when we use those gifts for His purposes, our confidence in Him soars.  (At least mine does.)  But put me in a place where I'm not so gifted (patience, quiet spirit, trusting His timing) and that's when I'm forced to get out of the way and hold tightly to God's promises.  You'd think I'd get this without needing so many lessons!  (See Getting rid of the clutter)

Sometimes a bias for action means committing to something bigger than you can handle, and trusting that God will prepare you in His own way and time for what He has planned for you.  It means saying, "I do," long before you ever even know how hard-- or even what exactly-- the commitment will be.  I've recently talked to several people in different situations who have had opportunities to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but who seem to make excuses about how they just can't get involved in something because of the busyness of their lives.  Its makes me so sad to know that they are missing out the blessings that come with complete, "undignified," sold-out obedience to Christ.


I've followed other family's blogs as they've journeyed this same road, and I've read and heard their experiences.  I've heard the adoption journey referred to as a roller coaster, and I've heard it referred to as white water rapids... like a raging river that rushes along and throws you around, only to bring you to a still pond of water where you sit lazily awaiting the next swell of rapids.

I'm not loving this still pond we're in, and I certainly don't like not knowing when the next swell will come-- especially when I haven't felt like we've had a difficult time so far.  What I do love is that God is using this journey-- this very moment, even as I write this-- to refine me, to draw me nearer to Him, to reveal my own sin weakness and His own greatness to me, and to show His glory to the world.  And for that-- for that, every weird, unnerving, eery feeling is SO worth it!

Sorry if none of this makes any sense.  Perhaps the most difficult thing for me in this whole journey is not being able to find the right words to articulate the feelings I have.  It drives me crazy to not be able to express myself clearly!  But it is in this that I trust in the promises of Scripture:

I rest in the fact that the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf even when I don't know how to pray or what to ask God to do in my life.  (Romans 8:26-27)

I hold tightly to my hope in Jesus, because I know that God will do what He promised (Hebrews 10:23).

I cling to my God's promise in Jeremiah 29:11-13, that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me; that I will find Him when I seek Him with all my heart.

So that is my journey for today... it's not adoption, not paperwork, not even the children at the end of our journey... it is seeking God more fully with all of my heart and trusting that He will reveal Himself to me a bit more each day.  It is having complete faith and almost naive trust-- like those 7&8 year old campers-- in a great big God who loves me more than I could ever imagine and who has great big plans for me.

To God be the glory!